One thing that really bugs me is when you hear someone ask a couple that has been married a very long time, "what is the secret to a lasting marriage?". First of all, are they asking what is the secret to just simply staying together, or what is the secret to a happy marriage? Second of all, THERE IS NO SECRET! If you notice, the people always pause, taken back by the notion that they have to sum up the whole 20,30 or 50 years with their spouse in one spur of the moment sentence.
Anyway, back to my point, there is no secret! There are thousands of books and web sites and even more relationship therapists dedicated to helping others have a happy marriage. If someone is really trying to find answers to their marriage problems, they surely aren't secret. Also, what works for one couple may not work for the next. I have learned the things that work in my marriage. For example, when I communicate my feelings, needs, concerns etc to my husband, I have to wait for him to process and then eventually he communicates back, in short bursts, then I piece them together. That process might take minutes, hours, days or even weeks. That might not work for someone else and it used to be a problem for us, but learning your spouses personality and response to emotions and adapting to them is one of the ways you make a marriage work.... wait maybe that is a "secret". The second thing I have learned is that if I apologize first, the fight is always resolved. Even if I am right, which I usually am, I try to put my pride down and kick my stubborness to the curb and apologize for whatever my part is in the fight, and there is usually something. Even if I am apologizing for the mean tone in my voice or the rolling of my eyes, it helps my husband put his guard down and he is able to apologize too and we can talk out the issue. Wait, perhaps that is another "secret".... put the guards down and talk reasonably. These are not original ideas, that is why I don't think they are secret, they are simply learned, practiced and perfected.
There are many other things I have learned and am learning in my marriage but one thing I am sure of, is there is no "secret". If you are having problems in your marriage, tackle one problem at a time, to the best of your ability, and if that doesn't help, seek professional advice, even if you have to go alone.
